21 days of prayer and fasting, day 8 check in

Morning Y'all,
This is a little different from what I normally post but it is on my heart. I have learned so much from the first 7 days of pray and fasting 2019. Word pictures. Images on my heart. A word to sum up the year for me. Community. Grace and forgiveness. And a community.

Many many times I will tell you music moves my soul. It's like balm that soothes me. But not any music. If it weren't for AC and Jackson I wouldn't have a clue who Imagine Dragons are, because the music I listen too is worship music. Songs like "The Cure", "Come to the Table", and "City on a Hill". They wash over me. But recently they haven't been enough. And I knew it too, yet I kept marching forward.

And I crashed. I crashed hard. Harder than I have ever crashed and the evil one celebrated. Wither you believe in God and Jesus or not, there is an evil one (the enemy) who is alive and on a mission to steal and destroy you. To keep you from knowing the love of God. I came to know Jesus as my own when I was starting 7th grade at a church camp called New Life Ranch. That night was magical for my soul. It's when music really started to minister to me. Y'all hear me now... I can not sing! You really don't want to hear me sing, and bless the folks I work with because Pre K teachers HAVE to sing. But music, more specifically worship music is the be all end all for my heart and soul. Songs like "Praise you in the Storm" by Casting Crowns have helped me through some of what I would have called my darkest hours.

2018 was not necessarily a bad year. But yet, my cup was empty. For about a year and a half, give or take a little, I have been watching Church of the Highlands online. Now this in itself is a great thing but when you live 2 states over you miss out on the most important thing- community. I didn't have that. When the evil one would attack, I didn't have a community to stand with me. I had no one I could LEAN IN to. The Bible clearly tells us that where 2 or more are, God is with us. I didn't have a second. Little by little the enemy would attack me, with his greatest attack coming in the idea that I was a failure because the school I teach in is on the school improvement list.  His voice would whisper in my head, reminding me of every bad decision I had ever made. He was stealing my joy and the worst part was I was letting him!

Thomas saw it. He asked about it, but like most people do when they are hurting, they deny that pain. Y'all it will ALWAYS come out! And mine did. It exploded like a volcano of hate and poison filled words. I wanted nothing more than for God to call me home. I was even begging Him for it. I started to believe that everyone in my world would be better off if I wasn't there. I am SO blessed to have a husband who stands beside me. He told me that he knew something was wrong but didn't know what it was because each time he asked I lied. Yep he used that word. He also told me that he was here to help. Through those tears that night I told him what was happening. No words made up for the volcano of horrible that I had been. BUT I no longer had to carry the weight of this by myself.

Once the "crisis" is over you think more clearly. I started digging for help. I wanted a Biblical view to what I thought I was feeling. However, "church" doesn't talk about depression and how the enemy uses this time when we are locked in our heads and emotions to break us down. At least, I hadn't heard the church talk about it. But a quick google search showed that yes 1 church, one preacher, had indeed talked about it, not once but twice! How I missed Christ Hodges talking about this at Church of the Highlands I will never know, other than the enemy come to steal, kill, and destroy and had I have heard this message my life would have been different going into the Fall. So I listened to the message... through tears... and my heart ached. I realized so much that afternoon. I cried and prayed. I  had realized that New Life Church, just down the road from me, was the second location where Pastor Chris had preached this message. I also knew that God had been placing a message on my heart. I was constantly reminded that no matter how much I LOVE watching Sunday messages on my computer that I was missing out on the best part- community. Over and over I would argue with God. In my mind I didn't need that. All I needed was my relationship with Christ. And yes that is vital but so is community. So is having someone to stand with you against the enemy. You have to have community to pour into you so that your cup stays full.

My cup was empty and not being filled. And sitting in my room, crying, watching this message on depression, I knew. I really knew what God had been telling me. I needed a community. I needed that person or group of people who will stand around you when the world comes crashing down. That day I didn't know what that community would look like or how long it would take for me to find it. I did pray that God would act quickly. And I can praise Him because He moved me into a community of women where I can grow. So back up for a second. That afternoon, when I was watching the message on depression, I also did a little surfing around on the New Life Church website. I found a link to sign up for Connect. This is the get to know the church and learn how you can be involved kind of class and it was just a week away. I went. I got connected. Today I saw one of the ladies in this group of women be baptized and I was blessed with being there to celebrate this step in her walk. I also attended church AT church. I stood there. In the middle of worship and realized that 2017 and 2018 were years of God moving me. I can't say that I would be right here any sooner.

I think that I needed those two years. I needed the heart ache and joy. I needed the lessons I learned and the messages that God sent to me. I don't want it to sound like I have my act together and was all bubbly and full of joy, because I wasn't. One of lessons from this week is about choosing joy. Another lesson or actually a word picture is what up stretched hands in worship mean. The picture is of a child reaching for their parent. I work with small children. When they feel completely safe, they will reach up for you to pick them up. Most children will not reach for an adult that they don't feel safe with. Another lesson that I learned came from Ps 91. Someone who inspires me with their life story shared this verse with me. You should read it in SEVERAL different versions. My favorite for this verse is The Message. It also teaches where true safety comes from and a word picture of God's arms wrapped around us.

So much has happened and I normally don't share this on my blog. My prayer is simply this, if you came here looking for pretty things to make, that you see the transparency of the person behind the screen and the love of the Lord for you. As we go in to our second week of prayer, our focus is on the people of the world. If you have a prayer need, I hope that you will share it with me so that I can pray specifically for you.